Being broken Part 3

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For I am Christian, I kept it my duty to visit them, but I could not transgress their free volition. I remember when I first went to the hospital. The fear made my legs to tremble.

Until then, there was no problem: we were talking in the McDonald's or down at the streets. But to be there with them in the hospital, that was different.
What I really dread was the sight of one dying. I remember, as I approached the hospital, so did I ran out of power. By the time I got there, my legs were as stain.
I've tried all sorts of things to figure out, reasons to turn back, but my legs did not obey me. I was crying of fear.

My tears were flowing and I was ashamed. I was alone, but I had to go. Suddenly, I looked up at the sky, and like a giant bird, God was revealed in my mind, and said: do not be afraid! I watch over this place. Go ahead! They are important to me!

By the time I got to the entrance, my eyes were already dry. From then on, whenever I could, I went to see these gay guys who got infected.
I was a free woman. I could do what I wanted. I spent the mornings in the library of the Castle studying, I went to Bible School in the evening, and then I worked on the street. I shared my time as I wanted! My salary was not much, but enough to earn a living. Somehow I always got something from my family and from my friends. The most important thing was that I was healthy. Although my heard got broken well, but my health was still a great asset. I knew that, and more I was taking care of myself. I was walking wherever, and I sang and prayed meanwhile. Day by day I bore my  "patients" misery. Thank God, that all did not settled in my mind. The pain that was in their soul nothing could take, nor carry, neither cure.  It is impossible.

The first boy I visited in the hospital, was no way a confirmation that this is “my place”. Every time I went to him, he discouraged me. Shouted at me, and did his best to reject God. It really hurt my soul, because I knew he did not have much left. If anyone do not turn to God, will inevitably go to hell. One morning, as I opened the door of the room, I saw that his bed was set. I knew he’d died. As I stood by his bed, suddenly a terrible pain came into my soul. I have seen him brought to hell yelling, but no one listened to him. Then I realized that he ultimately rejected eternal life. The Lord Jesus Christ was beside him. He couldn’t do anything more for him. God respects the free will of man.

The terrible pain completely paralyzed me. I could not move. I was sure that my heart got thorn into parts, and I will just die. The pain was unbearable. God  - for just a few minutes - allowed me to see how much it hurts when he loses someone forever. He ain’t created us to go to hell. After the vision, I cried for hours. Until then, I loved them in my own way, but then I could have anyone to love unconditionally, and to accept. Of course, not his lifestyle, but the man himself. Actually I did not understand what is hell. But then...

One night in my dreams God showed that there really is a hell. It was terrible. I saw the heaven, but it was the such of a gap between him and the hell that it was impossible to pass. Thick, gray impenetrable darkness. Alone, lost forever. Who is there, accuses constantly himself and God. No way to get out of there, never. Most people do not care about this, - after we die we all see God. The Bible says that every knee shall bow before him. Always makes me sad when people joke that their friends will be there. If you do not turn to God, so it will be, but it will not be a good time, and they will not be together. Hell is a separate place for those who reject with pride the redemption, what is Lord Jesus Christ’s work. Only the entrance is there, impossible to get out. Good people do not go to heaven just out of their human kindness. This is a vicious lie. The only entering to Heaven is who humbles himself as a child, and calls upon the name of the Lord. This what the Bible teaches, and this what I believe.